Since I don’t know for how much longer I will have this blog I have decided I actually want to reveal some things about me, about my transsexuality and my approach to things.
Because the truth is that very often what you will see of trans people is just a façade. We dance and tiptoe around some issues. We plain-out lie about some others.
I have, too. I have lied so often about things that regarded my transition. And I know that there are people who would tell me that some of these things mean that I am not trans. Maybe some truscum, too (mainly for one specific point). I don’t know. And I don’t really care at this point.Read More »
So I was in Spore this morning, and I thought “Well, instead of doing some sort of giant penis monster this time, why don’t I actually make a real thing?”
"Why don’t I make a cat or something?"
i just choked on my milk
That face really reminds me of a Furby
I’m getting kinda annoyed by Tumblr.
Everythime I keep wanting to come back but then there are things that make me regret it. And sometimes it’s not even the fault of the posters. It’s just that I think there are some topics I should just stop focusing on because they only sadden me or worse, make me angry/bitter. I don’t need that negativity in my life.
I might leave for a while, and restart a new Tumblr. I am not sure yet. I guess we will see.
My writing about ableism got me thinking about the way most people respond when I tell them what I and others I know have experienced. Even the worst of it. People are always trying to justify what happened to us. They respond to my stories by saying it’s understandable for people to assume I’m better off dead, and to try and refuse me medical treatment on those grounds. People have even called me selfish for wanting to be alive.
And I was thinking of some of the deeply held beliefs in modern western cultures, when it comes to disability. And that is that once you become disabled, you are expendable.
Being expendable is one of the worst things about being disabled. When our economies take s turn for the worse, programs and services for disabled people are the first on the chopping block, as we can see in the UK right now. People resent our very existence. They do all kinds of things to keep themselves alive, but letting us alive is seen as optional and somewhat extravagant.
Contrary to what many people believe, this is not a universal cultural value. Severely disabled people — people who could never walk or even chew their own food — have been assisted to live long and fruitful lives since cave man days. People were carrying them everywhere and cheering their food for them and doing everything else within their power to make sure they could live as long as possible. And there are still cultures that don’t treat us like garbage. So the idea that we are expendable is both specific to certain cultures only, and not universal even within these cultures.
But it’s so close to universal in the culture around me that it scares me to death sometimes. I have had to work hard to avoid letting it creep into my own mind. And even people who otherwise seem decent and compassionate, let slip around me that they believe it too.
One man, upon meeting me, felt it necessary to tell me, “I used to work in an institution for people like you. And there were some children, I would stand over their cribs and ask them, “Why are you ALIVE?”
He told me this in a tone of greatest anguish. He expected my sympathy. He did not understand why I rapidly moved away from him, terrified and triggered out if my mind.
His anguish was born of a toxic kind of pity. A pity that is hatred in disguise. And for all I know, he acted on it. Lots of people who work in institutions and hospitals kill their patients. Directly or indirectly. Many believe they are doing their patients, or their families, a favor. This has caused many serial killers to seek out with in hospitals and nursing homes. They have an endless supply of victims, that everyone expects to die anyway, and may even, if they play their cards right, be considered to be acting from compassion rather than the ultimate cruelty.
Being expendable also means that people don’t see your life as a human life, with all the richness and desire to continue living that they themselves have. They see you as a burden, socially and economically. They calculate how much you cost in money and effort to keep alive. And then they begin saying that you owe it to the world to fire should you become too expensive. Even ethics committees in hospitals engage in these diabolical number games to decide which patients are worth saving. And I’m not talking about imaginary stuff out of right wing propaganda here, I’m taking about things that have been going on for decades.
People have told me that I am selfish for wanting to be alive. That it is a sign of American excess, that we keep alive people on ventilators or with feeding tubes when there are REAL (nondisabled) people in other countries without enough to eat. (Tube feeding goes back, at minimum, to ancient Egypt, but never mind that.) Wealthy insurance companies fund slick media campaigns to legalize euthanasia, thinking only of the money saved by our deaths, but pretending to have humanitarian motives (who the fuck could ever call insurance companies humanitarian). People calculate up the real or imagined cost of various sorts of disabled people to the economy. Always, the message is the same: spend all the money you want on nondisabled people, but disabled people are too expensive. Expendable.
And do you know how easy it is to persuade disabled people that we are expendable burdens who should die for the good of our families and countries? Do you understand the shame of being constantly told that all you do is take from the world with nothing to give or contribute, especially in capitalist societies where money defines human value? Human happiness comes largely from being able to give and contribute to your society. Being considered human black holes who take but don’t give is easy to internalize.
And from there it’s a short step to becoming suicidal. In fact one of the founders of a major euthanasia organization has described in detail how he persuaded his sick wife to kill herself. He isolated her from all human contact but himself. He treated her like a burden. He told her she was a vampire, sucking the life out of him. And he provided the means to die. He has never been convicted of any crime, and many people treat him like a humanitarian hero rather than a twisted and homicidal abuser. He tried the same thing on a second wife. She escaped and denounced him in public. He proceeded to use her history of mental illness to slander and discredit her as much add possible.
Real humanitarian there, who is only interested in euthanasia out of compassion. There’s lots of people like him in that movement, and their actions speak much louder than the words they use to present their public face to the world. That’s why in this non-ideal world I can’t support euthanasia despite knowing some circumstances it wouldn’t bother me — it is never, in practice, confined to those circumstances, and disabled and ill and dying people are so incredibly vulnerable to being persuaded to see ourselves as a burden better put out of the way.
And it’s easy to see yourself as a burden, as ultimately expendable, in a society that sees you that way. But especially in a society where only some kinds of contributions are openly acknowledged. This creates a skewed view of ourselves, where we can’t see the very real contributions we do make because we may not be working a paid job, cleaning the house, or contributing in other ways our society acknowledges as real and valuable. We are, of course, contributing in a whole host of ways. But if nobody else is acknowledging this, it can be very hard to remember and truly believe it.
And even when we make very obvious contributions, people find ways of dismissing them. Someone actually asked me once, “Can you name even one important contribution you make to society?” Quickly followed by, “And activism on behalf of other worthless people like yourself doesn’t count, so don’t bother.” People have told me I should have been drowned at birth. That I must bring shame to my family because I’m just a retard and what value is there in that. This thread of worthlessness and taking without giving is directly connected to people wanting us dead, or never here to begin with. It’s a fairly common viewpoint that parents who know their child will be disabled and don’t abort them, should not be allowed to access any services for that child. And that by failing to abort, they are doing the equivalent of deliberately injuring a nondisabled child. And Peter Singer believes abortion isn’t enough, infanticide should be practiced too. Whatever your views on abortion, surely coercing or forcing people into selective abortion is not, ever, okay. (But you’d be surprised the number of supposedly pro choice people who think parents should not be allowed to keep disabled fetuses, or should be penalized for doing so. Which is just as anti choice as forcing people not to have abortions. But somehow more acceptable in some circles.)
So the message a lot of disabled people take home from this is not only should we die as soon as possible, we should never have been permitted to exist in the first place. Better for nondisabled people to live in our place. We are infinitely expendable, they are infinitely valuable.
And as much as each side uses us to demonize the other, this is not a left versus right wing issue. Both sides tend to view us as an expendable, optional, add on to a society meant for real (nondisabled) people. They just act on it in different ways. And when disabled people complain about it, each points their finger at the other and says it’s all their fault. Many times the left even treats disabled people as if we are stupid little kids who are being duped by the right, when we criticize ideas the left tasks for granted — but we do so from a disability rights point of view, not necessarily a right wing point of view. People fail to see the difference and pointless bickering ensues.
But the idea that disabled people are expendable, is everywhere. It seems to be in the very air we breathe. And you may even have trouble imagining what it’s like to know that all these ordinary people are motivated by ideas that could result in your death. To know that tomorrow they could pass the policy that kills you. Or someone somewhere, some individual person, acting mostly on their own, could take actions that could kill you. Because you’re expendable, and when the going gets tough, we are among the first to go.
And sometimes the idea we are expendable looks on the surface like pity. Or compassion. Or greed. Or practicality. Or ruthlessness. But under the surface, it’s all one thing: hate. Because only hatred can unite a group of people and then declare that they are expendable. That they are just a weird afterthought or add on to a society that is really for other people, and that therefore they can be removed from that society. Either by directly killing them, or by policies that result in death. Expendable is a terrifying place to live.
I would really like this post if it didn’t assume that everyone who wants euthanasia to be legal is a selfish asshole.
Maybe some people have disorders that run in the family and while they respect that other people want to be able to deal with the same problem and fight for the right to live, they would also like you to respect them for not having the ability to cope with those problems and wanting a painless way out.
Maybe it would kinda be way more respectful not to act like everyone who gets euthanasia is just “being brainwashed” as if sick people couldn’t make major decisions and are always weak-willed. Because you know, there is plenty of people who are sick and just as rational as healthy people. They are just really tired of fighting a battle that they know they can’t win.
I’ve seen IRL people literally get consumed by diseases, slowly and painfullly. Diseases that run in my family. Diseases that do not have a cure and can never get better, only worse over time. Diseases that I might easily inherit one day.
Don’t act like wanting to take away my right to choose whether or not to fight to keep on living is “for my own good” as if I am a poor helpless child who cannot make his own informed decision. That’s condescending as fuck. Please stop.
Sometimes it’s just less tiresome to just come across as an asshole than to try and explain to others why you act in a certain way and hope they will be understanding and not think you are making excuses.
You just come to a point when you’re like “fuck this you want to think I’m a horrible person, fine, then I am a goddamn monster, a terrible human being. Are you happy now? Does that make you feel better about yourself?” and that’s what you want to yell to others.
Fuck trying to educate people. I’m tired and most of those people are grown adults. It’s not even worth it. If they haven’t matured yet why would trying to be nice to them make any difference.
Jack heard the rhythm and syntax of his own speech in Graham’s voice. He had heard Graham do that before, with other people. Often in intense conversation Graham took on the other person’s speech patterns. At first, Crawford had thought he was doing it deliberately, that it was a gimmick to get the background rhythm going.
Later Crawford realised that Graham did it involuntarily, that sometimes he tried to stop and couldn’t.
(From “Red Dragon”)
This thing. Does it have a term in psychology?
Because I catch myself doing this when I am strongly fascinated by someone and it’s extremely embarassing. Is this sort of thing common and can it be prevented?
Hannibal is literally a show about how dangerous it is to empathize with serial killers and mentally deranged people and then the fandom goes and says HANNIBAL’S JUST MISUNDERSTOOD that is chaos my friends
okay I understand what this post is trying to say, and I don’t watch hannibal and really don’t care, but
IT IS DANGEROUS TO EMPATHIZE WITH PEOPLE WHO ARE MENTALLY ILL?
^ My friend makes an important point here.
Didn’t catch that the first time I saw this post, my mistake!
It’s a bit unfair to compare something life threatening to something not immediately life threatening.
Also, psychiatric care is really just a nice way of saying, “mind-altering drugs”.
Not life threatening? You’ve clearly never experienced or known someone with a severe mental illness. Up to 90% of people who commit suicide have a mental illness.
Eating disorders, mood disorders, anxiety and self harm have many life threatening effects on the body, e.g. malnutrition, gastrointestinal complications, increased risk of cardiovascular disease, risk of wounds becoming infected, nerve damage. People struggling to get the mental health care they need find themselves in ER’s, jail cells and psychiatric hospitals for their immediate safety.
The risk of this can be minimised with proper treatment, which can consist of medication but also includes psychotherapy, occupational and social work, emergency care and other treatments as appropriate for each patient.
Kidney patients can be kept alive on dialysis for years while awaiting a transplant.
Also, your “mind-altering drugs”? These are part of why I can go to school, have an internship, maintain friendships, and be a reasonably responsible family member. Meds are a complement to therapy and make it work better. Honestly, if I were not taking prescribed medication, I would probably be taking some “mind-altering drugs” that had worse side effects than dry mouth.
Mental illness is in part both caused and reflected by physical/chemical disturbances in the brain. In physical illness, medication is often used to aleviate symptoms or address causes. Psychotropic drugs do the same thing. They are a medical response to a medical problem.
People need to stop thinking mental illness isn’t serious
They also need to stop thinking psychiatric drugs are all useless.
"But why do you care so much about people who identify as trans*?!? They’re not harming you in any way!!!!"
Lets see here.
This is a trans*-identified person who has no clue what transsexualism is.
The people who think like the last person in the post are dominating all the communities available, while transsexuals are bashed, ignored and called cis-wannabes for wanting to pass and be stealth. Those trans* people, at the same time, want to make the trans* community more inclusive. And you’re excluding the group from which you took all your terms and names from, then twisted the meaning of? Yeah, right.
These trans* people now also lead LGBT groups for activism and education, or are increasingly becoming part of them and pushing away transsexuals.
How does this harm people who are transsexual?
- “If I treat you like you’re gender-neutral, you won’t have dysphoria anymore!” So, no medical treatment which many people need.
- “You don’t need surgery, there are enough trans* people who are perfectly fine in their body! Why aren’t you?” No treatment here either.
- Lack of support groups for people with dysphoria.
- Rampant misinformation about transition-related things. Blogs with decent information are ignored and blocked.
- People will be “educated” by trans* people who experience no dysphoria and who have no clue what a transsexual even is, but still think they have the right to speak for the ‘T’.
- More de-transitioners as they experience dysphoria after treatment. There’s an alarming number of people who want to transition because it’s cool, or because they like hobbies that are typical for the other sex, or because their friends are trans. And when you say this is not a thing, keep looking at the ftm tag. These posts are also, not entirely surprising, often quickly removed.
- “Trans men” infiltrating women’s-only groups. Yes, FTM lesbians, I’m looking at you. Also, trans men demanding access to women’s-only college or groups, when trans women can’t get in? No.
- Perception of transsexuals damaged because of people who want to fuck with gender roles and purposefully confuse people.
- Transsexuals will be silenced, trans* people with completely different problems take over.
- Transsexuals are told to just be proud of their body and accept what they have, because then their gender dysphoria will just magically go away.
- Also, what the fuck happened to biology when you think a human vagina is a male reproductive organ.
Very well put together list of everything that is wrong with the transsexual community. These things are all already happening. Transsexuals have been completely overrun and replaced in their own community, by non-transsexuals. And they’re told to shut up and be more “accepting” because they “don’t understand”.
To be honest I feel like we’ve gotten to the point where by our “community” is un-salvageable. The gender clowning “identity” squad has succeeded in spreading mis-information. This is what happens when you try to be as “inclusive” as possible. That whole “trans*” umbrella stuff has metaphorically shot us in the foot.
Word. Everytime I am in a trans space I find that I either have to counter against ridiculous “I am a butterfly because I identify as one” type claims OR against the opposite side of the spectrum aka “everyone who isn’t like me is ‘doing trans wrong’!!1!! They shouldn’t be allowed to transition because they’re gay/not stereotypical/can’t pass/insert other bullshit reason”. There just is no middle ground.
I’ve been considering moving to Germany for quite a while, and lately I’ve decided to stop being lazy and start getting actual practical informations. Also, to read not only successful stories but also posts about complaints and “reasons not to move to Germany” or “reasons to go back to Italy” in order to have a realistic idea of what life would be like there.
While some of the points are usually pretty valid, then there are those who list things such as “I don’t like Germans”, “Germany is a nice place but it’s full of Germans”, “The weather is too cold”, “The food sucks”…
What the fuck where you expecting? °__° Germany is by definition the land of Germans (Deutschland), a cold country and it’s certainly not well known for its cuisine. If you don’t like cold, potatoes or German people whay the fuck did you go there in the first place? =__=
The psycho bitch just launched the toaster out of the front door because I forgot to clean it and put it back in its place.
But CLEARLY I am the deranged mind in the house.
CLEARLY I am the violent dangerous person that should be on meds.
100% makes sense.
and now my father thinks I’m a “drug addict” and that I will turn into a character from Requiem for a Dream.
Because an occasional cigarette is totally the same as a serious issue such as heroin addiction.
Bonus points for asking me stupid questions such as if I’m “fishing for attention” or “trying to look manlier”. Good job dad, I was starting to think you were smarter that that bitch, thankfully you made me realize me I was about to misjudge you.
I think ironically one of the reasons why I love Hannibal is that I can relate to Will so much. Not because of his ability to “read” people (mine is nowhere as strong as his, lol) but because of how he is nearly manipulated into insanity. I can relate to that, nearly happened to it, I’m still not 100% sane and I doubt I ever will.
People that can break other people’s psyche like that are freaking terrifying. THAT is what makes Hannibal a great villain, not the “creepy” element of him being a cannibal. The fact that he’s so good at fooling everyone while manipulating them subtly to get what he wants.